NEW YORK - After an underwhelming start to the season which saw the Yankees fall as many as 11 games behind their arch-rivals, the Boston Red Sox, in the AL East standings, the Yankees have again pulled out their checkbooks to lure another aging superstar from retirement: Ted Williams. This latest blockbuster signing comes as the Yankees welcome the Red Sox to Yankee Stadium tonight for a three game, must-win series. Having previously lured Roger Clemens, age 44, from semi-retirement with the promise of a big paycheck, the Yankees pursued a similar strategy in bringing Williams, 83 at the time of his death, to the Bronx.
Williams spent 19 seasons in a Red Sox uniform before retiring in 1960, and dying in 2002. He compiled Hall of Fame statistics: 17 all star game selections, 521 home runs, a .344 career batting average, and two American league Triple Crowns. Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman, in making the announcement, said, "I expect this will be a controversial signing, but the fact is Ted will bring a level of dynamism and leadership that's been missing from our clubhouse."
The headless, cryogenically preserved corpse of "Teddy Ballgame" will start out as a designated hitter. Current Yankees DH Jason Giambi could not be reached for comment, but his agent, Arn Tellem, said, "Jason's productivity has fallen off a bit since he got off the 'juice,' but I expect this is only a temporary situation. Eventually, medical science will develop an untraceable performance enhancing drug, and Jason will bounce right back."
Yankee Manager Joe Torre echoed Cashman's sentiments, saying "Teddy will fit right in in this clubhouse. There are a lot of guys here who've been around a while and know what it takes to get it done. Ted's had a full life and will fit right in. He'll make all the other guys feel younger and more alive."
Terms of the agreement were not released, but a confidential source within the Yankee organization reports that Williams' contract includes provisions for ongoing cryogenic support between games, and travel separate from the rest of the team in an ice cream truck. His contract also specifies that the Yankee team doctor be a specialist in geriatrics; given the average age of the current Yankee roster, this condition has already been met. Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has been undergoing cryogenic suspension treatments in the off-season, in what family members describe as a desperate and pathetic attempt to prolong his life enough to witness another Yankee championship. It is believed that Steinbrenner and Williams met in the same cryonics facility in Scottsdale, Arizona.
Williams will report to the Yankees' training camp in Tampa for extended defrosting before making his return to the major leagues some time next month. Cashman added: "This guy is one of the all-time greats, there's no disputing that. Sure, he's a little past his prime, being dead and all, but at least he's not getting any older. There's no other player in either league who can make that claim."
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